Lon3Ly winG's

Letter written for Ah Lian

2008-02-25T13:06:00.000+08:00

Dear Ah Lian,

Thanks you for your letter. Wrong time no see you. How everything? For me, I am quiet find.

You say in your letter your taukeh soh want you to chain your look? Somemore you must wear kick kok soo, hope you can wok properly.

You know, Ah Kau Kia working in a soft where company now. Last week, he take I, Muthu & few of his friend to May Nonut to eat barger. After that he take we all go to kalah ok. Muthu sing and sing no stop until the sky bright.

Next week, my father mother going to sellerbread 20 years annie wear sari. My father mother going to give a fist to all the kampong people. So you must come with your hole family.

I only hope one day we no need to write and send letter to you and to me. Better I e-meow you, you e-meow me. I will ketchup with you soon. And when you got time, please few free to call me. Goo bye.....

Worm regard,
Ah Beng

Long Hair

2008-02-21T04:17:00.000+08:00

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

Best Excuse For Speeding

2008-02-16T02:45:00.001+08:00

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. ''They'll never catch me,'' he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. ''What in hell am I doing?'' he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. ''I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!'' he said.

''Last week my wife ran off with a cop,'' the man said, ''and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!''

''Have a nice night,'' said the officer.

Principal

2008-02-10T23:46:00.000+08:00

One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.

MOM : "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."

SON : "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."

MOM : "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."

SON : "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."

MOM : "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."

SON : "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"

MOM : "One, you are FORTY-FIVE years old and should understand your responsibilities.

Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school...

Guardian Angel on the Job

2008-02-05T03:07:00.000+08:00

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, and a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

A Fitting Punishment

2008-01-30T04:42:00.000+08:00

Mr. Jones is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family.

Mr. Jones is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to receive 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn't want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled.

Mrs. Jones is first.

"What do you wish for yourself?"

"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings."

"Okay, that shall be granted to you."

Mrs. Jones has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows.

Next it is Mr. Jones' mother-in-law's turn.

"What do you wish for yourself?"

"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings."

"Okay, that shall be granted to you."

The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows.

Then comes Mr. Jones himself.

"What do you wish for yourself?"

"I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?"

"Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable."

"I would like 100 lashes instead of 50."

The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, "Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?"

"I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back."

Singapore Joke: Char Kway Teow

2008-01-21T19:42:00.000+08:00

Three friends went to their usual favorite char kway teow stall in the HDB food centre. They were Chia Hong Chu, Goh Pang Sek and Sah Pang Sek.

The char kway teow stall was crowded, and there was a long queue. "Ah Pui! Three plates, hah!" cried Chia Hong Chu.

"Sure, boss! Coming!"

Within the next 2 minutes, the first plate of char kway teow came and was ploked in front of Chia Hong Chu.

"Where two more?" "Wait lah! Coming! See long queue!" Chia Hong Chu tucked in his char kway teow.

Half an hour passed, and the second plate came, ploked in front of Goh Pang Sek.

"Where my?"cried Sah Pang Sek. "Coming lah!" said Ah Pui. Goh Pang Sek tucked in his plate, and another half an hour passed before the 3rd plate came, ploked right in front of Sah Pang Sek.

"Wah! Got to wait so long ah!" said Sah Pang Sek. "Don't make noise, Mr Sah. You get same good char kway teow, best in Singapore!"

When they have finished eating and chatting, Chia Hong Chu called out:"Ah Pui! Collect money, ah!"

Ah Pui came over. "Sah Pang Sek, $3. Goh Pang Sek, $5. Chia Hong Chu,$10."

"Wah! Robbery! I always pay $3. Why $10 now?"

"Ai yah, Chia Hong Chu. You don't read newspapers meae? You don't watch TV meh? This is gahmen food centre, heavily subsidised rent. Last time hah,everyone eat my char kway teow subsidised because cheap rent.Now upgrade. See new clean tables, new chairs, ceiling fans? Cost money,you know. And we have means test now. Ah Chia, you live in chia hong chu,and you pay full, no subsidy. $10. You don't like, don't eat here. You eat in hotel in Orchard Road."

"But I get the same food!" "No. You get 5 more harms , and you get served first, no need to wait.5 harm service 1"

"What about me? Why $5 when I pay $3 last time?" cried Mr Goh. "And I wait half hour!" "Ah Goh. You also kinna means test. You live in goh pang sek, you wait only 30 minutes, I subsidise 50%. And you get 3 more harms -- 3 harm service."

"Why I wait 1 hour and no extra harm? So damned hungry I can die waiting ah! And why no extra harm? Not nice with no extra harm."

"Won't die lah. We give you same good food. No extra harm. No frills. But you wait. Wait and wait. You get your char kway teow, I make sure you don't die. You pay only $3. Heavily subsidised -- 70%. Because, Ah Sah, you live in sah pang sek! You see, we have limited resources. Can only fry so many plates one night. Only so much manpower. So mustration, lah. Everything goes up -- petrol, cooking oil, gas, harm, kwayteow, light, labour... And we give better service -- 5 harm service, likeOrchard Road 5 star service."

The Catch

2008-01-16T04:01:00.000+08:00

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of red roses.

"Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked,

"What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishin', sir."

"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of vodka and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"

Pull, Buddy

2008-01-14T06:34:00.000+08:00

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

Hokkien Titanic

2008-01-11T04:02:00.000+08:00

Scene 1:

Jack: Hey chio eh? Me teach you an chua fly, want or not?

Rose: Mai lah. I scare leh.

Jack: No need scare leh, lai i teach you.

Rose: Don't lar, me really scare leh.

Jack: Lai lar, stand on the railing, then I hug you.

Rose: Like thet huh?

Jack: Yah, then hor, spread ur arms... Wah lau eh, why so smelly one?

Rose: Kan ni na...You say my armpit smell ah!

Jack: Wah I bey tar han already lar!

Jack fainted & both fell into the sea...

Scene 2:

One fine day, late at night, Jack Duakang was on the deck of Titanic when he heard some loud footsteps. He looked to see what was going on, and he saw a super chio about to jump off the deck. He walked over and tried to persuade her not to jump.

Jack: Chio eh, lee si an zua? So late dun sleep do what? What's your name?

Rose: My name is Mei Kui, but people call me Rose.

Jack: Nah Beh...Why you so chio, but your name like the mamasan at Zhong

Guo Chen ( China City ).

Rose: Shut up lah you, I now want to jump.

Jack: Why jump? Siao ah you, so chio jump for what?

Rose: Aiyah why you so kaypo? I jump you jump?

Jack: Wah lau, don't lah aiyah.

So Jack continued to persuade her for a few hours.
After three hours...

Jack: Eh don't jump leh, don't lah, siao ah you?

Rose: Aiya, yo u talk for three hours liao, buay sian meh??

Jack: Ya lor, i think oso a bit sian liao. So, please lah, don't jump lah..

Rose: Shut-up I am really jumping liao.

Jack was tired, so he stopped persuading...

Rose: I really jump ah, really ah? Really ah? Really leh. I am not joking leh, I jump ah!!!

Jack was very du lan after wasting so much time. So, he kicked Rose's Ka Cheng and sent her into her watery grave.

Jack: Nah Beh, want to jump, jump lah. NAh beh wasste my time.

Then Jack turned around and he saw the second most beautiful girl on the ship...

Jack: Oei chio eh, what's your name?

Hibiscus: Me Hibiscus lor. I saw you kick my sister.Hahahahahahhh! Thank you hor. She always steal my boyfriends one.

So Jack and Hibiscus live happily ever after...

Dad's Occupation

2008-01-09T11:28:00.000+08:00

A teacher asks her students to discuss what their dads do for a living. Little Mary raises her hand first and says, “My dad’s a lawyer for the government. He puts the bad guys in jail.”

Little Jack goes next: “My dad’s a doctor. He makes sick people better.”

All the kids in the class take their turn except Little Walter.

The teacher asks him, “What does your dad do?”

Walter replies, “My dad’s dead.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. What did he do before he died?”

“He turned blue and shit on the living room carpet.”

How To Beat A Speeding Ticket...

2008-01-06T23:05:00.000+08:00

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too

They are stopped by the Police

2007-12-29T23:51:00.000+08:00

John & Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."

Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, will you shut up!"

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

Jessica replied, "Only when he's drunk."

Testing a New Recruit

2007-12-28T04:50:00.000+08:00

Police Chief: "As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?"

New Recruit: "Call for backup!"

Can i take this train?

2007-12-26T01:30:00.000+08:00

Lady: Is this my train?

Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company.

Lady: Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to London.

Station Master: No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

Chinese Secret Service

2007-12-16T19:41:00.000+08:00

The never ending debate about who is the best secret services happened again. Feeling that they've had enuff, the CIA, KGB and Chinese Secret Services have decided to have a challenge to determine once and for all who is the best.

They agreed to release a rabbit into the forest and see who can retrieve the rabbit the fastest.

CIA decided they should go first and when the rabbit was released, they deployed the most sophisticated equipments of motion detectors, heat trackers, satellites and 500 agents into the woods to hunt the rabbit. 12 hours later, an agent emerged with the rabbit and declared:

"Nobody beats us in terms of technological supremacy. CIA is the BEST!!!"

The russians went next. They surrounded the forest with 300 agents each holding 2 cans of petrol and torched up the green... afterwhich, the 300 stormed into the charred mess and emerged 6 hours later with a roasted rabbit.

"Our mission is to bring you your target, DEAD OR ALIVE"

Finally, the Chinese Secret Service's turn to perform... they sent a single 5 footer agent into the forest with a baton on his hand...

15 mins later, the chinese emerged from the forest dragging a badly bruised and wounded grizzly bear...

BEAR:" Pls stop hitting me, pls stop... I admit i admit, i am the rabbit, i am the rabbit..."

I dont owe anything for this drink

2007-12-14T23:42:00.000+08:00

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

Smuggler

2007-12-13T14:20:00.000+08:00

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answers Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every week for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

Hidden camera

2007-12-07T03:36:00.000+08:00

My son's more successful than yours

2007-12-01T02:50:00.000+08:00

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio"

Impressing the Others

2007-11-17T01:23:00.000+08:00

A young Air Force 2nd Lieutenant had just arrived at Misawa AFB in Japan.

He'd been given a beautiful renovated office and had it furnished with antiques.

Sitting there, he saw an enlisted man come into his outer office.

Wishing to appear the hot shot, the officer picked up the phone and started to pretend he was exchanging chit chat with the Base Commander.

He threw Colonel's and General's names around and talked about letting them stay in his Daddy's condo in Hawaii, and then set up a golfing date between him, the Base Commander, and the CO's of the Naval Security Group and Naval Air Facility.

Finally he hung up and asked the Sergeant, "Can I help you sergeant?"

The TSGT said, "Yes sir, I'm here to activate your phone lines."

Bad news or Good news?

2007-11-15T04:45:00.000+08:00

A : My brother just went for a 5 star trip to Paris.
B : That's good news.
A : No, that's bad news. He took the wrong plane and ended up taking a low class flight.
B : That's bad news.
A : No, that's good news. The flight ended quicker than a 5 star plane.
B : That's good news.
A : No, That's bad news. The plane caught fire.
B : That's bad news.
A : No, that's good news. They had alot of spare parachutes.
B : That's good news.
A : No, that's bad news. When he opended the 'chute, he found out that it was broken.
B : That's bad news.
A : No, that's good news. He saw a haystack below him.
B : That's good news.
A : No, that's bad news. He saw fog too.
B : That's bad news.
A : No, that's good news. The wind blew him away from the fog.
B : That's good news.
A : No, that's bad news. The wind blew him away from the haystack too.

A Good Answer

2007-11-12T03:28:00.000+08:00

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"

The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work."

The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud. They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the ladies have any children?"

The mother replies, "Of course dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

Laws of Household Physics

2007-11-04T12:21:00.000+08:00

Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples:

1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved.

2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.

3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.

4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.

5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.

6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.

7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.

8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.

9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers.

10. What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and slightly used Rice Krispies.

11. Place two children in a room full of toys and they will both want to play with the same toy.

Soldier Stands Guard

2007-11-02T17:47:00.000+08:00

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"

Trainee & Idiot

2007-10-26T06:22:00.000+08:00

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee... On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"

"NO!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.

Stupid Policeman

2007-10-24T06:09:00.000+08:00

A policeman comes to the office with one black shoe and one white shoe. His boss starts to yell at him: "You are ruining police reputation, go home and change the shoes."

The policeman goes home, and comes back after a while. "Boss I have a problem, the other pair of shoes at home are black and white, too."

Chu Kang ( PCK ) explaining sex to Chu Beng's son, Aloysius

2007-10-23T03:05:00.000+08:00

This episode rated RA so was not show on TV

Aloy : Why is making love so enjoyable ?
PCK : Aiyah, ah boy, enjoyable becaws, same like when you dig your nose with your finger mah !
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Aloy : Do you think women enjoy sex more than men?
PCK : Of course woman lah ! When you dig dig your nose, your nose feel better than your finger, right ?
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Aloy : Why do women hate it when they get raped ?
PCK : Ai-yah ! Say, you walk along the load(road),den someone come over and dig your nose, you like or not ? Ehhh ? Don't pray pray ah
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Aloy : Why is it a woman cannot have sex when she is having her menses?
PCK : Oy !! If your nose bleeding, you still go and dig meh?? Siow ah ! Use your Blain(brain), use your blainnn ..........
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Aloy : Why is it most men don't like wearing condoms when they are making love?
PCK : Ehhhh, when you dig your nose ah, you like to dig with a glove on your finger or not ? Not the same shiok feeling mah. Corlight (correct) or not?
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Aloy : Why is making love carried out in private ?
PCK : Ah boyyyyy, use your blain, use your blainnnnn . you go and dig your nose in flont of your whole class izit ?? Stupid lah!!
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Aloy : Wah ...... Uncle Chu Kang, you are very good.
PCK : Aiyah ...... best in Singapore and JB, and some say Batam also ah !!!

A Dark and Stormy Night

2007-10-21T00:25:00.000+08:00

A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no cars passed. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop.

The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door only to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way.

Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve.

The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a bar and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same bar, and one said to the other. "Look, that's the character who climbed into our car while we were pushing!"

Divorced Barbie

2007-10-17T06:35:00.001+08:00

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.

He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, 'How much is that new Barbie in the window?'

The Manager replied, 'Which one? We have
'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95; and
'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00'

'Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95?, the father asked.

The store manager replied: 'Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat, Ken's furniture and all of Ken's savings.'

Whatever, Anything, You Decide

2007-10-16T04:10:00.000+08:00

Men: What to have for dinner?
Women: Whatever...
Men: Why not we have steamboat?
Women: Don't want la, eat steamboat later got pimples in my face
Men: Alright, why not we have Si Chuan cuisine
Women: Yesterday ate Si Chuan, today eat again?
Men: Hmm... I suggest we have seafood
Women: Seafood no good la, later I got diarrhea
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women : Whatever...

Men: So what should we do now?
Women: Anything...
Men: How about watching movie? Long time we didn't watch movie
Women: Watching movie no good la, waste time only
Men: How about we play bowling, do some exercises?
Women: Exercise in such hot day? You not feel tire meh?
Men: Then find a café and have drink
Women: Drink coffee will affect my sleep
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women: Anything...

Men: Then we just go home lor
Women: You decide
Men: Let take bus, I will accompany you
Women: Bus is dirty and crowded. Don't want la
Men: Ok, we will take Taxi
Women: Not worth it la... for such a short distance
Men: Alright, then we walk lor. Take a slow walk
Women: What to walk with empty stomach woh?
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's have dinner first
Women: Whatever...
Men: Eat what?
Women: Anything...

Investigating a Terrible Accident

2007-10-11T04:21:00.000+08:00

There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.

The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?"

The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.

The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".

The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.

The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"

The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.

The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"

The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.

Ever been in this situation before ?

2007-10-08T17:05:00.000+08:00

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying : "Hi, how are you ?"

I am not the type to start a conversation in the men's rest room but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine !"

And the other guy says : "So what are you up to?"

What kind of a question is that ? At that point I am thinking this is too bizarre, so I say : "Uhhh, I'm like you, just travelling !"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question : "Can I come over ?"

OK, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him : "No... I'm a little busy right now !!!"

Then I hear the other guy say nervously ... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions !!!"

How they design the logo for Olympics 2008...

2007-10-07T00:23:00.000+08:00

Speeding On The Bridge

2007-10-01T02:48:00.000+08:00

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.

The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, boy?"

Bob thought for a second and said, "Uh, 60?"

"67 miles per hour, son! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!" said the cop.

"But if you already knew, officer," replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"

Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled and said in his sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"

The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"

Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"

The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish, and said, "What kind of job would a bum like you have?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.

"What did you say, boy?" asked the patrolman.

"I'm a rectum stretcher!"

The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"

Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?"

Bob said, "You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!"

Professionals to be sent to Mars

2007-09-25T06:41:00.000+08:00

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch - he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research." The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."

Police Interview

2007-09-21T09:29:00.000+08:00

A new recruit police officer had almost finished his interview, and the interviewer asked him the last question which was:

"You are on duty. A car crashes in the middle of the road with two people inside the car, the two people are critically injured and the car is badly damaged.

The ambulance arrives, but it is going too fast and crashes into the damaged car. The car blows up and causes the ambulance to flip on its side.

A passer-by, while walking on the sidewalk is toppled, by the force of the explosion, into the river beside the road. Unfortunately he cannot swim and is drowning in the river.

Another man runs out of a house screaming, and shouts that his wife is pregnant and about to have her baby any second now.

"What would you do in this situation?", the interviewer asked.

The recruit looks around the office and thinks for a while... he replies, "I'd take off my uniform and act like I am part of the crowd!"

Wee Willie's excuse

2007-09-19T22:40:00.000+08:00

Wee Willie came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him.

"What's the story this time. Willie?" he asked sarcastically, "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Wee Willie sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn't turn up.

Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office, and here I am!"

"You'll have to do better than that, Willie," said his boss, disappointed, "No woman can be ready in ten minutes."

A Florida Genie

2007-09-17T03:29:00.000+08:00

A man was walking along a Florida beach and stumbled across an ancient lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and out popped a genie.

The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month, and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"

The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!!

Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!! No, think of another wish."

The man said, "OK, I'll try to think of a really good wish."

Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced three times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive.

So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside, and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. Know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "Nothing,", know how to make them truly happy."

The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"

Dear @h...

2007-09-15T04:11:00.000+08:00

Dear Ah Beng,

I am a Filipina maid. My Sir and Mum always want me to clean the windows of their 12th storey flat. There is no way to clean the outside other than leaning out the window.

It is very dangerous and I am very scared of falling out. But my Sir and Mum get very angry if I don't. What can I do?

Defenestrata

Ah Beng replies........

Dear Defenestrata,

Wah, damn chia lat. Acherly, I also don'ch know why Singaporeans want to clean their windows. Maybe you can persuade your Sir or Mum that leaving the windows dirty is a good thing. If windows dirty, then can walk around the flat naked, mah. If clean-clean, then some kaypoh neighbour sure kao peh kao bu, then you kena saman. But then, depending on what your Sir or Mum look like, maybe the sight of them naked might make you jump voluntarily.

You maybe also want to tie yourself tight-tight to something solid if you have to lean out. Of course, you could always break the windows. Then got nothing to clean, mah. But then, it makes it easier for your Sir or Mum to throw you out. Aiyah, why not just run away and come work for us at Geylang Lorong 69? At least here, the Sirs pay you for the extra service. !

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

Beng ah Beng, I also want to be an Ah Beng. Everyday sit kopi tiam, put leg on chair, smoke and drink. Some more always hang out in shopping centre, got char bor. Most important, no need to study. Can tell me which gang to join? If you tell me, I sure get all my kakis to join.

Recruit

Dear Recruit,

Nin nao hiah! You think be Ah Beng so easy, ah? Must study one, you know! Got a lot of rules. You think you can anyhow go Queensway and get tattoo, ah? Wait you get the wrong tattoo, and some other gang see you, sure kena hoot upside down! And what, you think so easy grow long last fingernail? Got regulation one, leh! We use it to dig ear... if too long or sharp, can burst your eardrum!

And what, you think we just KLKK around the shopping centre cho boh lan and sian char bor? You think char bor attracted to Ah Bengs, ah? Acherly, they are our accomplices, and we are all there to shoplift or kuah chui (keep a lookout)! You think be Ah Beng is hobby, is it? It's a profession!

My gang is earning so much revenue, ! heard Singapore Technologies also wants to form a GLG (government-linked gang) to come into the market. So join a gang only if you're serious. In fact, join a gang only if your studies are damn tok kong.

We do'wan any old samseng nowsaday, leh! You just want to relac one corner in a kopi tiam, then be a kopi kiah. So once you wake up your idea, you can come down to No. 6969 Geylang Lorong 69 for an interview with us at the Chap Sar Tiam Secret Society. Bring your 'O' Level cert.

Ah Beng

Wife's Present

2007-09-14T05:56:00.000+08:00

John: It's my wife's birthday

Peter: What's your gift to her?

John: I asked her what she wanted

Peter: What did she said?

John: Anything, as long a there is a DIAMOND.

Peter: What did you gave her?

John: Playing cards

Lost Purse

2007-09-12T02:15:00.000+08:00

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping at the mall. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

Irritated Teacher

2007-09-10T08:45:00.000+08:00

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him?"

Why Chinese Must Not Have English Names

2007-09-07T20:49:00.000+08:00

Anne Chang ( Mandarin ) - Dirty
Anne Chin ( Mandarin ) - Keep quiet
Faye Chen ( Mandarin ) - Dusty
Carl Cheng ( Hokkien ) - Buttock
Monica Cheng ( Hokkien ) - Touching your buttocks
Lucy Leow ( Hokkien ) - You are dead
Jane Tan ( Mandarin ) - Frying eggs
Suzie Leow ( Hokkien ) - Lost till death
Corrine Tai ( Hokkien ) - Poor fellow
Paul Chan ( Mandarin ) - Bankrupt
Nelson Tan ( Mandarin ) - Bird laying eggs
Leslie Tong ( Mandarin ) - Rubbish bin
Carmen Tng ( Hokkien ) - Leg hair long
Danny See ( Hokkien ) - Squeeze you to death
Rosie Teng ( Hokkien ) - Screws and nails
Pete Tsai ( Hokkien ) - Nose droppings
Macy Koh ( Cantonese) - Never die before

Blonde Detectives

2007-09-06T17:17:00.000+08:00

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the 3 of them and said, "So ya'll want to be a cop, eh?"

The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and withdrew a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc."

So he stuck the photo in the face of the 1st blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. "Now, he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The 1st blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the 2nd blonde, stuck the photo in her face for 2 seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused, too!"

The 2nd blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the 3rd and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but......." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying "All right. Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts... How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well duh! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"

Thirsty Child

2007-09-05T01:38:00.000+08:00

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:
"Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
"Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
"Five minutes later...
"Daaaa-aaaad..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

Mr. Phillard's Twins

2007-09-03T02:43:00.000+08:00

One day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife over to the hospital. As the doctors were prepping his wife, Mr. Phillard's idiot brother Bill arrived to watch the birth. But when Mr. Phillard saw the blood and everything else, he fainted. When Mr. Phillard woke up he was in a bed with the doctor standing above him.

"Mr. Phillard," the doctor said, "you are in the recovery room. Don't worry, your wife is fine and she had twins, a boy and a girl. Because you were unconscious and your wife was still under anaesthesia, she requested that your brother Bill name the kids."

"What! My brother, the idiot! I can't believe you let him! What did he name them?"

"He named your daughter Denise."

"Hey, not bad! I underestimated my brother. What did he name my son?"

"He named your son Denephew."

A police officer...

2007-09-01T09:38:00.000+08:00

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, may I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Really? Ain't that something? And I'll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too ...

Dad, how was I born?

2007-08-30T02:19:00.000+08:00

Junior asks his dad, "Daddy, how was I born?"

His dad sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway! Well, you see, your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We snuck into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button.

Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS.

Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said:

"You've Got Male!"

Women like that are hard to find

2007-08-28T07:25:00.000+08:00

Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

70 Ways To Tell You've Been Online Too Long

2007-08-27T07:51:00.000+08:00

1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.

2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL".

3. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.

4. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other.

5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".

6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

7. You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to-face.

8. You have to get a 2d phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.

9. You go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail to let everyone know you're going to be away.

10. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.

11. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences.

12. You have met over 100 AOLers.

13. You begin to say "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.

14. When someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"

15. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.

16. You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won't know you're on-line again.

17. You know more about your AOL friends' daily routines than you do your own spouses.

18. You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line & when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.

19. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own.

20. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth (online all night).

21. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your own profile to see who you are.

22. Your kids are standing at your side saying, "Mommy, please come and cook" dinner and you would rather type another "LOL".

23. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.

24. You won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved.

25. Your dog leaves you.

26. You have to ask what year it is.

27. You write a letter like this.. "dear tom, hiyas! how r u doin well I gotta go bbl!"

28. You name your pets after people you talk to.

29. You smile sideways...

30. You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on their buddy list.

31. You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore button handy.

32. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.

33. Your significant other kisses your neck while you're chatting & you think "uh oh cyber sex perv".

34. You have withdrawals if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours.

35. You use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you still have one he he he).

36. You take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.

37. Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.

38. Your worse comeback to a bully is "I'll slap ya w/a rubber chicken!"

39. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online before you have your first cup of coffee.

40. You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake.

41. You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOL's welcome screen.

42. You don't know where the time has gone.

43. You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by hand.

44. You get up at 2am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer instead.

45. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.

46. You enter a room & 23 people greet you w/((hugs)) or **kisses**.

47. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme.

48. Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n & I will TTYL".

49. You type faster than you think.

50. You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL too & are now undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.

51. You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice versa.

52. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.

53. You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie.

54. People say, "If it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes & fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!"

55. You dream in "text".

56. Being called a Newbie is a "MAJOR" insult.

57. There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room & you're really bored.

58. You don't want to leave in case you miss something.

59. You double click your TV remote.

60. You can now type over 70wpm.

61. You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies.

62. You are on the phone a minute & need to do something else & say "BRB" or "BBL".

63. You check your Email and forget you have real mail aka snail mail.

64. You go into withdrawals during dinner.

65. You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room.

66. You stop speaking in full sentences.

67. You have gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room & ended up "giving" tech support to other AOLers.

68. You have to be pried from your computer by the "Jaws of Life".

69. You know what a "snert" is.

70. You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to check your mail" & while there you "just wanted to see who was online".

who kiss who n who slap who? HELP!!!

2007-08-22T10:31:00.000+08:00

There's an Indian, Pakistani and a beautiful girl sitting next to each other, girl in the middle, in a train. The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!

The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and the Pakistani are sitting there looking perplexed. The Indian is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.

The Indian is thinking "Damn it, that Pakistani must have tried to kiss the girl, she thought it was me and slapped me."

The girl is thinking, "That Indian must have moved to kiss me, and kissed the Pakistani instead and got slapped."

The Pakistani is thinking, "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Indian again."

A man

2007-08-21T16:21:00.000+08:00

A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him.

"Hello there," says the man, "and what is your name?"

"Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?"

"I'm Jim."

"Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??"

"Sure!" replies Jim, "Let's go!"

So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk. "Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk," Jim says.

"Yes? And what about it?" asks Stacey.

"Is it your brother?"

"No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband.

When he finally asks, "Is it your husband?"

Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" Jim was relieved.

"Then, it must be your boyfriend!"

Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!!"

"Then, who is it?" Jim asks.

Stacey replies, "That's me BEFORE my operation!!"

Cosmetics Line

2007-08-19T08:48:00.000+08:00

Luke's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products she asked, "Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Luke replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Luke interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

Help Wanted

2007-08-18T04:42:00.000+08:00

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type,must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short ime afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside.

He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter.

He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then umped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual". The dog looked at the manager calmly and said "Meow."

Ah Beng takes night classes

2007-08-17T06:48:00.000+08:00

Ah Beng went to take night courses so that in future he can get promotion or a better job. During work, Ah Beng likes to show off to Ah Seng about his knowledge.

Ah Beng: Ah Seng ah... I've been taking night courses for 3 months already, next week is the exam.

Ah Seng: Oh... Good luck ah.

Then Ah Beng started show off...

Ah Beng: Ok, I test you, who is Graham Bell?
Ah Seng: Don't know.
Ah Beng: He is the inventor of phone la... in 1876, see... if you take night courses,
you would know this!
Ah Seng: ........................ *speechless*

The next day, Ah Beng shows off again...

Ah Beng: Ah Seng ah... let me ask you, who is Jean Jacques Rousseau?
Ah Seng: Wash your toilet one ah?
Ah Beng: No! He's the author of "Confessions"; nah nah nah... told you
already, if you take night courses, you would know this.
Ah Seng: ......................... *speechless + frustrated*

The next day, once again...

Ah Beng: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?
Ah Seng: Your gay partner?
Ah Beng: Choiii!!! If you don't know, don't simply answer la. He's the
author of "The 3 Musketeers"; if you take night courses, you would know this.
Ah Seng: ....................... *speechless + frustrated + irritated

This time Ah Seng cannot tahan (stand) anymore and asks Ah Beng...

Ah Seng: Eh... Do you know who Ah Kow is?
Ah Beng: Errrr... No!
Ah Seng: He's the guy sleeping with your wife!! If you stop night courses,
you would know this!!
Ah Beng: ........................ *fainted*

A Crime Story

2007-08-13T11:29:00.000+08:00

5 people lived in a room. They are named Mad, Brain, Fool, Somebody and Nobody. Fool did not know the four other people, and he was a police. The four other people, Mad, Brain, Somebody and Nobody were friends.

One day, Somebody killed Nobody. At that time, Brain was in the bath room. Mad called the police.

Mad: Is this the police?
Police: Yes, what is the matter?
Mad: Somebody killed Nobody.
Police: Are you mad?
Mad: Yes, I am Mad.
Police: Don't you have a brain?
Mad: Brain is in the bath room.
Police: You're dumb!
Mad: No! I'm not Dumb, I'm Mad.
Police: *annoyed and hangs up, treating it as a prank call*

Mad dialed '999' for the police again and it was still the same police who answered the call. The police hung up upon hearing Mad saying that Somebody killed Nobody.

Mad was really anxious as his friend was killed but no police helped him.

Mad called the Head of Police the next day. The Head of Police went to the house to see if there's really someone dead. Yes, there was a corpse. Mad told the Head of Police that he did call for assistance from a police but the police had hung up on him twice.

So, the Head of Police went to check who was on duty at that time.He found out that Fool was on duty. (The Head of Police did not know Fool's name)
The Head of Police sent someone to bring Fool to the house and scolded him: YOU FOOL!
Fool answered "Yes, sir?"
The Head of Police was shocked that he admitted that he was a 'fool'.
Within seconds, he regained from the shock and told Fool, "You are fired!"

Fool: Oh, I see.
Head of Police: You don't have to come for work from now onwards! Take off your uniform and hand in your gun!
Fool: Is You here? I don't know anyone named You although I've worked here for 10 years.
Head of Police: You is not a name! Argh, forget it... What's your name?
Fool: Fool.
Head of Police: WHAT, you called me a fool?!
Fool: No, I said my name is Fool.
Head of Police: *blur* *dizzy* Fool, you are fired!!!
Fool: O.K... It's all their fault...

The policemen took Somebody to court and Somebody was sentenced to death.
Then, Nobody was cremated.

Fool went home and for the first time, talked to Mad and Brain face to face.
Fool: *looks at Mad* You Mad freak!
Fool: *looks at Brain* You Brainless!

Mad & Brain: You're so stupid, fool.
Mad: I am Mad but I am not a freak.
Brain: I am Brain but I'm Brainmore, not Brainless. I have a brain in my head and my name is Brain. Two "Brains"!!

Fool: Whatever you fools.
Mad & Brain: You are the Fool, stupid. We are Mad and Brain, not Fools.

A true Man/Woman story

2007-08-11T21:06:00.000+08:00

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers : Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife

Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

Boy Scouts

2007-08-10T23:10:00.000+08:00

Boy Scouts from the city were on a camping trip.

The mosquitoes were so fierce,the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten.

Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend, "We might as well give up. They are coming after us with flashlights."

Ah Beng in an airplane

2007-08-07T05:38:00.000+08:00

One day, during his returned flight from Hong Kong, Ah Beng wasn´t feeling well and was feeling nausea. The Air-Stewardess handed a "Vomitting Bag" to Ah Beng to throw up and in less than a minute, the bag was almost full.

"Please hang on and I will get you another "Vomitting Bag" and don´t vomit all over the place." The pretty Air-Stewardess told Ah Beng before leaving to get another "Vomitting Bag" for him.

When she came back, she saw the whole floor was covered with Vomits.

"Ai-yo! What happened, sir? I thought I told you to hang on while I get you a new bag?" The Air-Stewardess asked Ah Beng.

Ah Beng answered, " Nabehs, I saw that the bag was almost full so I drank some back to avoid overflow and then everybody around me started to throw up all over the place..."

Before Ah Beng finished talking, the Air-Stewardess throw up onto him...

Barber & God

2007-08-05T21:18:00.000+08:00

A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed.

As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation.

They talked about so many things and various subjects.

When they eventually touched on the subject of god, the barber said: "I Don't believe that God exists."

"Why do you say that?" asked the customer.

"Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things."

The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument.

The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop. Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street withlong, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt.

The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist."

"How can you say that?" asked the surprised barber. "I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!"

"No!" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside."

"Ah, but barbers DO exist! " answered the barber. "What happens, is, people do not come to me."

"Exactly!"- affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! What happens, is, people don't go to Him and do not look for Him. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."

CLASS TIME

2007-08-03T04:40:00.000+08:00

The class was very noisy just now because there wasn't any teacher, but now everyone suddenly turned quiet. That is because the fiercest teacher in the school had entered the class. Her face is as fierce as a lion which will bite anyone's head off if offended... And if you wanna know more.... follow the lesson.

Students: Good morning, teacher.

Teacher : (shouting) Why is it only good morning? What about afternoon and night?

Students: Good morning, afternoon and night teacher!

Teacher : That is unacceptable! It is too long. Just wish me best regards for my whole day! That is much better as it is easier and full of meaning. And that greeting can also be used for all times.

Students: Best regards teacher!

Teacher : That's better, sit down! Listen today I,m going to test you all on words that have the opposite meaning. When I say a sentence or word, all of you must answer quickly the opposite meaning to the words, understand?

Students: Understood teacher!

Teacher : I do not want any disturbance!

Students: (silence)

Teacher : Clever!

Students: Stupid!

Teacher : High!

Students: Low!

Teacher : Popular!

Students: Calafare!

Teacher : Wrong!

Students: Correct!

Teacher : Stupid!

Students: Clever!

Teacher : No!

Students: Yes!

Teacher : Oh God!

Students: Oh Slave!

Teacher : Listen to this!

Students: Listen to that!

Teacher : Quiet!

Students: Noisy!

Teacher : That's not a question, stupid!

Students: This is an answer, clever!

Teacher : I'm dead!

Students: We're alive!

Teacher : I'm lazy to teach!

Students: We are hardworking to learn!

Teacher : Enough! Enough!

Students: More! More!

Teacher : Stop! Stop!

Students: Start! Start!

Teacher : Why are you people so stupid?!

Students: Because I am someone clever!

Teacher : Lack manners!

Students: Taught enough!

Teacher : O.K. Lesson has ended!

Students: K.O. Lesson has not started!

Teacher : Enough, stupid!

Students: Not yet, clever!

Teacher : Stand up!

Students: Sit down!

Teacher : I said CALAFARE was wrong!

Students: We said POPULAR was correct!

Teacher : You people are dumb!

Students: We are gifted!

Teacher : All of you must stay back this afternoon!

Students: Released tonight!

Teacher : (Keep quiet, gather her books and went out)

Men are like...

2007-07-29T19:31:00.000+08:00

Men are like Laxatives ... They irritate the crap out of you.
Men are like Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
Men are like Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like Parking Spots ... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Substitute Teacher

2007-07-23T16:15:00.000+08:00

A substitute teacher was trying to make use of her psychology background. She began her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, please stand up."

Right away, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Why do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"I don’t, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

One night

2007-07-19T15:08:00.000+08:00

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws.

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him.He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.

The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

Another Ah Beng Joke - Night Class

2007-07-07T03:26:00.000+08:00

Ah Beng went to take night courses for the reason in future can get promotion or better job. During work, Ah Beng likes to show off to Ah Seng about his knowledge.

Ah Beng: Ah Seng ah... I've been taking night courses for 3 months already, next week is the exam.
Ah Seng: Oh... Good luck ah.

Then Ah Beng started show off...

Ah Beng: Ok, I test you, who is Graham Bell?
Ah Seng: Don't know
Ah Beng: He is the inventor of phone la... in 1876, see... if you take night courses, you would know this!
Ah Seng: ........................ *speechless*

The next day, Ah Beng shows off again...

Ah Beng: Ah Seng ah... let me ask you, who is Jean Jacques Rousseau?
Ah Seng: Wash your toilet one ah?
Ah Beng: No! He's the author of "Confessions"; nah nah nah... told you already, if you take night courses, you would know this.
Ah Seng: ......................... *speechless + frustrated*

The next day, once again...

Ah Beng: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?
Ah Seng: Your gay partner?
Ah Beng: Choiii!!! If you don't know don't simply answer la. He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.
Ah Seng: ....................... *speechless + frustrated + irritated

This time Ah Seng cannot tahan (stand) anymore and ask Ah Beng...

Ah Seng: Eh... Do you know who Ah Kaw is?
Ah Beng: Errrr... No!
Ah Seng: He's the guy sleeping with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know this!!
Ah Beng: ........................ *fainted*

Accelerate your site performance

2007-06-29T21:47:00.000+08:00

Muthu CURRY!

2007-06-29T03:47:00.000+08:00

INTERVIEWER : What is your birth date?
MUTHU : 13 October
INTERVIEWER : Year?
MUTHU : Every year....

MANAGER : Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
MUTHU : P-O-S-T-B-O-X

After returning back from a foreign trip, Muthu asked his wife:-
MUTHU : Do I look like a foreigner?
WIFE : No. Why?
MUTHU : In London a lady asked me, 'Are you a foreigner?'

One tourist from U.S.A. asked Muthu:
TOURIST : Any great man born in this village? MUTHU : No sir, only small babies....

Muthu was doing experiment with cockroach.
First he cut it's one leg and said 'WALK... WALK....'
The cockroach walked.
Then he cut it's second leg and said the same 'WALK.... WALK....'
The cockroach walked.
Then he cut it's third leg and said the same 'WALK.... WALK....'
The cockroach walked.
At last he cut it's fourth leg and ordered it to walk.
But the cockroach didn't walk.
Suddenly Muthu said loudly, "I found it! If we cut off the cockroach's
four legs, it becomes deaf!!'

On a political rally Muthu was arrested.
Why? Because a woman journalist
walking with a badge wrote "PRESS" and Muthu did it....

Muthu was traveling with his wife in an auto.
The driver adjusted the mirror.
Muthu shouted, "You are trying to see my wife? Sit back. I will drive!!'

Muthu went in a hotel.
To wash hands he went to the washbasin.
There he started washing the basin. Seeing this, the manager asked what was he doing.
Muthu pointed towards the board "WASH BASIN".

INTERVIEWER : Just imagine you're in the 3rd floor of a building. It caught fire. How will you escape?
MUTHU : It's simple. I will stop my imagination!!!

Can any1 figure out,12 or 13???

2007-06-28T11:41:00.000+08:00

PLEASE WAIT UNTIL THE GROUP CHANGES POSITIONS.

This will drive you crazy!

WHERE DOES THE EXTRA MAN COME FROM? don't ask me; I haven't figured it out yet

Poem by Oh Ah Bee

2007-06-27T03:55:00.000+08:00

Recently, my white MP,
Kok on my door, and very kek ki..
Say 'I've worked so hard, so vote for me',
'Or rubbish won't be cleared, in your vicinty'..

I said 'Dear MP of my GRC',
'Dun remember u, so please pardon me'..
'I only saw you on TV',
'Dozing off and jiak liao bee'..

Last GE I voted for thee,
2% up in GST..
Cut CPF and up utility,
Are still very clear in my memory..
5 years later, then you come to me,
Fresh from your slumber of ivory..
Say that only, you can help me,
Escape from a life of poverty..

Just take a drive on CTE,
Count the number, of all the gantries..
Or squeeze a ride on the MRT,
That has not been cleared for ye..
My life since the last GE,
Has been downhill though I voted PAP..
If I vote the same for your sleeping spree,
I can expect the same misery..

So this time round, I vote for somebody,
Who will kachiao you, to productivity..
Forms fill wrong, no big deal to me,
If there's someone to speak up for ah bee..
So dear MP of GRC,
If life no improve, vote u cho simi?

Noodle Joke

2007-06-26T08:25:00.000+08:00

Char Siew Pao and Mee Kia got involved in an argument. Char Siew Pao got very angry and shouted at Mee Kia, "I'm going to find my gang to hantam you!"

So Char Siew Pao went to round up Leng Yong Pau and Tau Sar Pow.

Just then, Maggi Mee walked round the corner. Immediately, the Paos started to beat him up.

As Char Siew Pao was punching Maggi Mee, he shouted, "Don't think just because you perm your hair, we can't recognise you, okay!"

Atomic Blogging - Try It!

2007-06-25T19:36:00.000+08:00

Many people asked me how in the world I got into Internet Marketing and why and when I started blogging.

I started blogging since last March 2006 but recently I was introduced to a seminar in Singapore. I met a young guy who was only about 26 years old. Coming from the Infocomm industry, I am aware that it is the youngsters that know the new stuff, and blogging is a trend to me. Alvin Phang who unselfishly talked with me at that time, impressed me with his knowledge of blogging. I started talking to him and became good friend. I gave him a nickname, The Profitable Blogger. Yes, he has shown me how to make money from blogging.. So I did.

Now he is introducing he own product... called The Atomic Blogging. Take a look at it. It will help you if you are seriously interested to blog and make money out of your blogging. Check out Atomic Blogging.

Here's A Video Tutorial On Blogging

2007-06-23T23:27:00.000+08:00

I am real excited to show you what you can expect to get from Atomic Blogging.

Click Here To Claim Your Free Report or Click Here To Find Out More

Where's mom and dad?

2007-06-21T18:19:00.000+08:00

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."

The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "Where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "They're still up in bed."

Again, the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "Where's Mom and Dad?" and his grandmother replied "They're still up in bed."

The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "What gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! What is going on here?" The little boy replied, "Well, last night, Daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

Miss Right...

2007-06-20T02:35:00.001+08:00

I married Miss Right! I just didnt know her first name was, "always".

How To Flood Your Blogs With MASSIVE Traffic & Cash!!!

2007-06-19T02:54:00.001+08:00

Recently I have just met an underground expert blogger name Alvin Phang. He is a close friend of mine and he seriously is an expert at blogging!

He get tons of free traffic at his blog at a rate of 700 visitors PER DAY! I don't know about you but that's INSANE for a blog that is only 8 months old!

Alvin really walks the talk and recently he launches a brand new product call Atomic Blogging and I think he's crazy as he is offering it at such high value but at such a LOW PRICE!

If you are looking for a guide on blogging and want to make money from blogs you should head on to this website now!

PS: Take this offer before Alvin decides to remove it... head on to NOW!!!

KIDS

2007-06-16T04:34:00.000+08:00

My ten-year-old grandson, Jeffrey, called to ask if he and his cousin could sleep over at our house. ''Not this weekend, Jeffrey, '' I told him. ''I'm getting old.''

''But, Grandma, '' he protested, ''next weekend you'll be even older!''

Billing

2007-06-15T06:50:00.000+08:00

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

MY SINGAPORE

2007-06-14T19:41:00.000+08:00

In Singapore, the majority of us live in Highly Dangerous Buildings (HDB).

And most people have already got used to Paying and Paying (PAP).

Not only do you have to pay, you Pay Until Bankrupt (PUB). If that's not enough.

Somebody still Purposely Wants to Dig (PWD) and get more from you.

So what more can you do when you are in the Money Only Environment (MOE)?

With the current Mad Accounting System (MAS).

You are forced to Pay the Sum Ahead (PSA)

Which will leave some people Permanently Owing Some Banks (POSB).

And forced to live on the Loan Techniques Always (LTA) system.

When you fall sick and happen to be admitted to a Money Operating Hospital (MOH),

You might be able to use your Cash Prior to Funeral (CPF) fund.

If you are out of luck, you may meet doctors who Never Use Heart (NUH) to treat you,

And you will be Sure to Give up Hope (SGH).

To help ease the traffic, motorists have to pay Cash on Expressway (COE).

If that doesn't help, they can always Eternally Raise Prices (ERP) on the roads.

If you don't own a car, you can always make a Mad Rush to the Train (MRT),

OR get squashed in a bus Side by Side (SBS).

Lastly, under all these pressures, there are not many places we can relax, Not even the good old place we used to go because it has become So Expensive and Nothing TO See Actually (SENTOSA)!

Teaching Maths

2007-06-13T19:25:00.000+08:00

My father is teaching simple maths when I was 5 years old.

Father, "Son, how many people are there in your classroom?"

Me, "Including the teacher, 31."

Father, "So without the teacher, there are 30 people left in the classroom?"

Me, "Nope! Without the teacher, there will be NO one left in the classroom!"

My dad was lost for words.

Ah Beng Speaks up

2007-06-12T01:25:00.001+08:00

Ah Beng talks about Singapore history and current affairs...

Under the 'ang mo' we all live happily together, no complain.
Malaysia & Singapore is one big family in our brains.
One day we both like 2 durians cannot get along.
Got sharp thorns, poke each other, until 'buay song.'
One moment like brothers, can give and take.
Next moment we kena kicked out by the leg.
Wah! Our towkay also cry like mad,
we all also feel very very sad.
Our neigbours all say, 'Wah they all sure to die!
They got nothing, how to get next bowl of rice?'

So 'boh pian,' we all work day and night.
We also join the army so that we can fight.
We don't care others 'see us no up'.
But actually inside we very pain in the heart.
Then slowly hor we grow rich and a bit fat.
Now others talk about us also got some respect.
They scratch their heads and say
'Very funny! Got nothing how come they can still make money?'

Last time also got no money to buy ice-cream cone.
Nowadays even small kids can also afford hand phone.
Sea port, airport also can become Number One.
He! He! Sometimes think about it also very fun.
But some people look at us also not happy.
Actually they jealous don't want to say only.
So every time their country got something wrong.
They all say Singapore's behind it all along.
Everybody know we water no enough.
They turn off tap only we all cannot last.

They threaten us with water supply and shout 'Cut! Cut! Cut!'
Aiyoh! They all think the water is one big ketupat.
We all hear already also 'buay tahan'
Wah liao, they think we small can makan!
But now they 'cow pay cow bu' we all not very scared.
We want to build water desalination plant already so not so bad.
But their own economy now all go bust.
Got to sell water otherwise money no enough.
Then another neighbor say Singapore no friend friend,
Got so much money, a bit more also donno how to lend.

They say we all only one small red dot,
like the center of a big dartboard.
Maybe they think we mouse and they cat,
that's why they suka suka anyhow talk like that.
But we all still send them a lot of rice.
Show the world we actually very very nice.
Sometimes we 'cho ho sim' also kena whack.
But we all gentleman wan, don't want to fight back.
I think hor maybe they don't understand us very well.
That's why relationship sometimes like heaven sometimes like hell
Some say aiyah our prosperity is all due to luck,
that's why we all siao siao' can still win the Tiger Cup
I think hor, Singapore is like chilli padi in a pot -
Size small small but still very very hot.

Kopi, Milo, Guni

2007-06-11T11:32:00.000+08:00

A young customer takes his order : "Boss, give me Kopi, Milo, Guni"

Kopi Boss: "Ok, just a minute"

Then the kopi boss make a cup of kopi-O and give to the young customer.

Young customer : "Boss, I ordered Kopi, Milo, Guni...y u give me Kopi-O instead of those I ordered?"

Kopi Boss : "Young man, don't see me old liao wanna test my IQ hor...If 'Kopi Mai Lo Guni' is not 'Kopi-O', then wat is it?"

How To Avoid Spam With Akismet

2007-06-10T09:06:00.000+08:00

This Tutorial is Part of Atomic Blogging ( A Step By Step Guide to Blogging )

What you see above are the number of Spam messages I get so far on my blog! It's HUGE! Arent they ignoring? To avoid and prevent all this spam you must use Akismet - A Free Plugin to avoid spam for your blog.

Before I start, Akismet is a free open source spam program online to help fight spam for wordpress owners.

Just follow the following steps to get started to prevent Spam on your blog.

To install & setup Akismet for your blog first you need to go to your Plugin panel in your Control Panel in wordpress found at http://www.(yourdomain).com/wp-admin/

Follow the steps above to activate Akismet.

After you have activated all the Plugins you should see the above message just click on the link enter your Wordpress.com API Key.

To get your API Key, all you need to do is go to www.wordpress.com and sign up for a free account, the API Key will be email to you when you sign up a free account.

When you have sign up for a wordpress.com account you can find the API key when you click on My Profile. Example how a API Key looks like is fbd655933fa6. Please use your own API Key and don’t ever share your API it is like a password for you =)

So once you got the API Key from Wordpress.com, just key in the Key in the box and click on Update Options in your own blog!

You will know you have successfully installed Akismet when the green word appear as above. And you are done! NO MORE SPAM for your blog!

To get more step by step tutorials, I highly recommend you click here to grab more tutorials =)

If you have benefited from this tutorial feel free to share it and post it on your blog or comment below.

Six Funny Life Lessons

2007-06-08T17:10:00.000+08:00

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…

"Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the admin. clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 4

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

SInGAporeanZ !! What dO u Know bout our country?? do YoU kNow???

2007-06-07T08:24:00.000+08:00

Learn some fun facts about Singapore! Did you know...???

Singapore consists only of one main island and 63 other tiny islands. Most of these islands are uninhabited.

Singapore is among the 20 smallest countries in the world, with a total land area of only 682.7 square kilometres. The USA is about 15,000 times bigger.

Apart from Monaco, Singapore is the most densely populated country in the world, with 6,430 people per square kilometre.

Singapore became the 117th member of the United Nations on 21 September 1965.

Symbolism of the National Flag: Red symbolises universal brotherhood and equality of man while white signifies purity and virtue. The crescent moon represents a young nation on the rise and the five stars signify the ideals of democracy, peace, progress, justice and equality.

The national flower of Singapore, Vanda Miss Joaquim, was first discovered in 1893 by Agnes Joaquim, an Armenian. The orchid is a natural hybrid between V. teres and V. hookeriana.

The Merlion, a half-fish, half-lion beast, is a fitting symbol of Singapore. The "Singa" or lion represents the animal that a Sumatran prince saw which resembled a lion, and the fish is a tribute to Singapore's history as "Temasek", the ancient sea town.

Singlish, a Singaporean patois mixing English with the odd phrase of Chinese, Malay and even Tamil, has two entries - lah and sinseh - in the online version of the Oxford English Dictionary.

Although English is the official working language and the most widely used language in Singapore, the national anthem 'Majulah Singapura' is actually sung in Malay.

The flying fox, the world's largest bat with a wingspan of up to 1.5 metres, can be found on Pulau Ubin, one of the islands off mainland Singapore.

Singapore is a stopover point for thousands of migratory birds travelling the East Asian Flyway.

The world's first night zoo, The Night Safari, is located in Singapore.

Despite being largely urbanised, Singapore is the largest exporter of ornamental fish (25% of the world market).

The Bukit Timah Nature Reserve in Singapore contains more species of trees than the entire North American continent.

The highest natural point in Singapore is Bukit Timah Hill, which is only 164 metres high (Singapore has a very flat terrain).

Buildings in Singapore cannot be higher than 280 metres. There are presently three buildings of that height: OUB Centre, UOB Plaza and Republic Plaza.

The world's highest man-made waterfall, standing at 30 metres, is located at the Jurong BirdPark.

The largest fountain in the world is located in Singapore at Suntec City. Made of cast bronze, it cost an estimated US$6 million to build in 1997.

The buildings of Suntec City have been built in the shape of a palm of a hand symbolising good "feng shui".

In 2003, Singapore's Changi Airport won the award for "Best Airport Worldwide" for the 16th consecutive year from the UK/Europe edition of the Business Traveller magazine.

The Guinness book record for the longest human domino chain was set in Singapore on 30th September 2000. Formed by 9,234 students, it measured 4.2km.

The world domino topple record (303,621 men) was set in Singapore on 18th August 2003 by a 24-year-old woman from China.

The record for the biggest ever game of pass-the-parcel was set in Singapore on 28 February 1998. It involved 3,918 students removing 2,200 wrappers from a 1.5 x 1.5 x 0.5 m parcel.

The record for the most number of people participating in line dancing was set in Singapore in May 2002 with 11,967 dancers.

The Great Singapore Duck Race, an annual event that raises funds for charity, set a new world record in 2002 when more than 123,000 toy ducks took to the Singapore River.

Russell Lee, a pseudonym for a team of ghost-writers, is the hottest-selling local author in Singapore. His 11 volumes of True Singapore Ghost Stories have sold more than 600,000 copies to date.

The fastest selling book of all time in Singapore is Hello Chok Tong, Goodbye Kuan Yew: The Untold Story. Written and drawn by political cartoonist George Nonis, it sold 40,000 copies in two months.

The highest grossing movie of all time in Singapore is Titanic, raking in S$6.65 million in 1997.

The highest grossing locally made movie of all time is Money No Enough, raking in S$6.02 million in 1998.

The first Singaporean film to be shown at the Cannes Film Festival was director Eric Khoo's 12 Storeys in 1997.

British pop violinist Vanessa Mae Nicholson was born in Singapore and moved to England when she was four.

More Singaporeans are born in the month of October than any other month of the year.

The first population census taken in 1824 revealed that the total population was 10,683. The 2000 census showed that the population of Singapore is 4.2 million.

Nearly 9 out of 10 Singaporeans live in public housing flats.

The most common Chinese surnames in Singapore are Tan, Lim and Lee.

Singapore has more than 3,000 kilometres of roads. Stretched end to end, they can cover the distance from Singapore to Hong Kong.

8 in 10 people in Singapore own cell phones. In fact, telecom companies issue new numbers at the rate of 30,000 to 40,000 per month.

Singapore's best showing in the Olympic Games ever was a silver medal won by weightlifter Tan Howe Liang in Rome in 1960.

Swimmer Ang Peng Siong was ranked world number one in the 50m Freestyle in 1982.

The Singapore Sling was first served in 1915 at the Long Bar of the Raffles Hotel. The ingredients are gin, Cointreau, cherry brandy, Dom Benedictine, pineapple juice, Grenadine, Angoustura bitters and limes.

Smoke, yeah?

2007-06-06T19:10:00.000+08:00

The Moon Cannot Be Stolen

2007-05-29T11:57:00.001+08:00

A Zen Master lived the simplest kind of life in a little hut at the foot of a mountain. One evening, while he was away, a thief sneaked into the hut only to find there was nothing in it to steal.

The Zen Master returned and found him. "You have come a long way to visit me," he told the prowler, "and you should not return empty handed. Please take my clothes as a gift."

The thief was bewildered, but he took the clothes and ran away.

The Master sat naked, watching the moon. "Poor fellow," he mused, " I wish I could give him this beautiful moon."

NS Song

2007-05-24T14:29:00.001+08:00

For those of you who are not Singapore Residents, NS stands for National Service.

You are Mighty!

2007-05-24T14:17:00.000+08:00

Time to feel good about yourself.

Go to this website www.PutYourNameHere.youaremighty.com

Make sure you put your name in the url and turn your speakers up. This is awesome. You can put someone else's name in there and email them the link. They will love you for it.

我的朋友 My Friends Kawanku (麻坡的華語麻坡 part II)

2007-05-14T01:20:00.001+08:00

"Kawanku" is done in multiple languages, mostly in what Malaysians and Singaporeans can understand. Damn farnee some more.

Life is about Choices

2007-05-11T22:35:00.000+08:00

I have my days of really bad financial situations when I really have to walk instead of travel by bus and public transport.

I have my days of eating bread and biscuits instead of eating a normal meal.

I know God will not forsaken me and put me into test of strength. I know I need to make decision to change, and I did.

Eagerness, Patience, and Positive Altitude. Never say die. I am willing to try. Being young they say, I have live without regret, cos my goal is to create a world of my own. Being a fighter they say, I fight in the World of Business.

Focus on my core strength, and doing the utmost to provide the best service for my clients, I see growth with tears.

I create a World of my own.

This Old Man

2007-05-10T15:43:00.001+08:00

You've got to check out the following Awesome Videos!

Little BEANz

2007-05-09T04:11:00.000+08:00

PEA STORY

2007-05-06T17:07:00.000+08:00

"Babs Miller was bagging some early potatoes for me. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily appraising a basket of freshly picked green peas.

I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller and the ragged boy next to me.

"Hello Barry, how are you today?"

"H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas. Sure look good."

"They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?"

"Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time."

"Good. Anything I can help you with?"

"No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas."

"Would you like to take some home?"

"No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with."

"Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?"

"All I got's my prize marble here."

"Is that right? Let me see it."

"Here 'tis. She's a dandy."

"I can see that. Hmmmmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?"

"Not zackley. but almost."

"Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble."

"Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller."

Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me. With a smile she said, "There are two other boys like him in our community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever.

When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn't like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, perhaps."

I left the stand smiling to myself, impressed with this man. A short time later I moved to Colorado but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys, and their bartering.

Several years went by, each more rapid that the previous one. Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community and while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died. They were having his viewing that evening and knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them. Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could.

Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts, all very professional.

They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her husband's casket. Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and moved on to the casket.

Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one, each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket. Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes.

Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and mentioned the story she had told me about the marbles. With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket.

"Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about. They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim "traded" them. Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or size.....they came to pay their debt."

"We've never had a great deal of the wealth of this world," she confided, "but right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho. "

With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.

Moral:

We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind deeds.

Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by moments that take our breath.

Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles....A fresh pot of coffee you didn't make yourself. An unexpected phone call from an old friend. Green stoplights on your way to work. The fastest line at the grocery store. Your keys right where you left them.

Send this to the people you'll never forget. If you don't send it to anyone, it means you are in too much of a hurry."

The Materialistic World...

2007-04-25T05:35:00.000+08:00

We live in a society where a piece of material is more important than ever, where material is often the trendsetter of somebody.

Clothes did not always make the man, but current time it's also the car you drive, the phone you are having, the money on your bank account, your hairstyle and watch you are wearing. The individual human is getting less important and materialism is getting one of the more important
facts in our society ...

A world where a word is mere a voice in a thousand and where your money is the contribution to kill your own privacy, peace and freedom. A world where you are getting a number and where corporations will tell you what you can/need to do.

Are you satisfied with such a world where feelings are oppressed and where a product is more important than a human life?

A feeling, you cannot buy. How hard you might search, you will not find a feeling in an object, in a can, in a brand of clothes, in a voucher or in money. Feeling goes a lot further than a number.
Often a feeling cannot be expressed in a number, however you can say "I feel 100% good" if you feel yourself good, and you can say "I feel bad" if you feel bad; a feeling will be unique for every human and will be always hunderd percent true for the person feeling it. A feeling has no specifications and will variate from human to human. But where does it end? Where ends, the value of something you have bought against the value of a human?

Often the difference is too small and people protect their assets on a such strong way that a life and feeling of a human is not so important anymore. While that object, even if it is not there anymore, can be bought again. Is the life or the feeling of a human for sale?

MONEYBOOKERS REFER A FRIEND PROGRAM

2007-04-24T01:14:00.001+08:00

, The 1st account in the world that pays you for sending payments!

An introduction to moneybookers.com

moneybookers.com is a global e-payment solution that allows you to safely send and receive money via email - instantly. By using this new payment processor, we can offer you these benefits:

Global multi-payment platform: moneybookers.com offers multiple ways to add money to your account. Supported methods are currently: credit/debit card, domestic bank transfer in more than 30 countries.

Simplified ordering process: signing up for a moneybookers.com account is easy! Simply use their registration form to provide some basic details about yourself and you are set to start using moneybookers.com. If you want to deposit via credit/debit card, you should also fax them a copy of your ID and the credit/debit card you are about to use to verify your account. The payment process is in any case instant. No more waiting for International Money Orders or cheques to reach us!

Unlimited order size: we can now accept payment for any order, regardless its size!

Mobik - Send Unlimited SMS Without Any Cost

2007-04-23T18:51:00.001+08:00

, A free web based SMS messaging services without limits and no costs included. Mobik’s SMS services is totally awesome which is simple to use. There is no limits , no costs or no Opt-in or opt-out at any time.

Using Mobik free sms services is easy. All you needs is register an account on their website. you will find Mobik free sms services interface easy to understand and interactive whereby entire interfaces is powered by flash. Beside sending SMS to single contact, Mobik also offers bulk SMS messaging sending services which you can enter as many as contact on one text messaging. Other features like contact list also included but some of the features similar mobile phone messaging features no implement yet. Plus more there is disadvantages whereby sms receiver not able to reply your sms and doesn’t know who you are if you no writing your name on text messaging because the sender name is “Mobik”

It’s true that mobik doesn’t have any no hidden cost included or any catch on Mobik free sms services. They just make profit through ads whereby a video ads will automatically display when every time you send a sms. For me, there is no big deal since the video ads just few second only. MobiK free sms services will only deliver to the regions supported by their advertising sponsors. If there is not a sponsor in your region where you are sending your SMS, the message will not be delivered. You can check out a summary of the regions Mobik free sms cover with advertising sponsorship can be found on mobik Coverage page.

Beside that, Mobik also offer desktop application and mobile phone application on their free sms services where you check out over here for mobile phone compatibility and mobile phone application register.

Is this true? What gals want???

2007-04-11T06:36:00.000+08:00

hmm ... got this email from my friend...laughing all the way while reading this... as i have female friends who behave just like in the "bad example". But seems like applied to almost all girls huh? :P

11.05pm, guy and gal were chatting happily, when guy uncontrollably
yawns

bad example
============
gal (sounding out): you feeling sleeping??
guy: yeah, tired from work...
gal (sounds concern): ok, shan't disturb u, go and sleep lah
guy: ok, you have an early nite too..
guy hangs up the phone.
5 min later, phone rings
awaken by the phone rings, guy: hello?
gal: .............
guy: who's this?
gal (feeling unjust): you felt very bothered by me is it?

guy (confused): huh? what?
gal: .............
guy: why? what happened?
gal: you find me very bothersome is it?
guy: bothersome? why you said this??
gal: ..............
guy: what's the matter? how i would know if you dun say it out?
gal: we are chatting halfway, and you yawn, and went off to sleep...
guy: b...but, you are the one who ask me to go to sleep...
gal: you already said want to sleep already, what else u want me to
say?
guy: haiz... if you wanna chat, just say so... what for tell me to go
sleep, and feeling unhappy in the end?

gal: since when i'm unhappy?
guy: isn't this unhappy? ok ok, i won't sleep the next time, will that
do?
gal: what's the point? i want you to chat with me willingly, and not
because afraid that i will be unhappy...
in the end, guy spend another ? time comforting gal, actual sleep time
is 11.40pm, plus the earlier argument, he did not have a good sleep.
what worse is the gal may argue with the same thing again the next day.

good example
============
gal (sounding out): you feeling sleepy?
guy (tired vocal, but sound interested) : abit, tired from work. but
you have not finished talking, carry on, i will be listening.
gal (felt consoled): orh, but since you are tired, go and sleep then
(still sounding out)never fall into the trap and hang up the phone
guy: there's no afternoon break today, indeed more tiring. how abt
I give u a call tomorrow morning. let's chat awhile more ok?
(tells the reason, and offer make up measure)
gal: oh ok. go and sleep now, you must be tired.
gal is willing to let guy go sleep, but guy must do a bit more than
this
guy: so what time you are going to sleep?
gal: not sure, probably a bit later.
guy: ok, but not too late, not good for health. i will be heart pain
one hor...
gal (feeling loved): ok lah...
guy: i love you the most!
(even if eyes are shutting also must remember to say this impt words,
else all effort wasted)

gal: i love you too, have a good rest! (happy till can float liao)
guy: ehmm...
gal hang up the phone in the end, 11.10pm. guy sleep peacefully, and
probably a morning call from gal the next day...
conclusion 1:
female wants feeling and care. most of the time, female's logic cannot
be figure out with a reasoning mind.

conclusion 2:
say a few more touching words, concerning lines, will save you more
than ½hr of precious time

conclusion 3:
when encounter the above situation, must always let the gal hang up
the phone first. else it will be disastrous...

conclusion 4:
if your gf isn't like the one in the example, then congrats to u!
treasure her! but if otherwise, dun accuse her of being unreasonable.
what she wants is very simple..

Strange Relations

2007-04-08T19:21:00.000+08:00

I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years.

After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.

My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.

More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son I.e. My brother is my grandson.

Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.

Enjoy your Easter Sunday and have a great week ahead.

A brick in life ...

2007-04-03T02:53:00.000+08:00

A young and successful executive was travelling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something.

As his car passed, no children appeared, instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door. He slammed on the brakes and spun the Jag back to the spot from where the brick had been thrown. He jumped out of the car, grabbed some kid and pushed him up against a parked car, shouting, "What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing?"

Building up a head of steam, he went on. "That' a new car and that brick you threw is gonna cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?"

"Please, ! mister, please, I'm sorry. I didn't know what else to do!" pleaded the youngster. "I threw the brick because no one else would stop." Tears was dripping down the boy's chin as he pointed around the parked car. "It's my brother," he said. "He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up."

Sobbing, the boy asked the executive, "Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."

Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He lifted the young man back into the wheelchair and to take out his handkerchief and wiped the scrapes and cuts, checking to see that everything was going to be okay.

"Thank you, sir" the grateful child said to him. The man then watched the little boy push his brother to the sidewalk towards their home.

It was a long walk back to his Jaguar... a long, slow walk. He never did repair the side door. He kept the dent to remind him not to go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention.

Life whispers in your soul and speaks to your heart. Sometimes, when you don't have the time to listen... Life throws a brick at your head. It's your choice: Listen to the whispers of your soul or wait for the brick.

Do you sometimes ignore loved ones because your life is too fast and busy, leaving them to wonder whether you really love them?