Letter written for Ah Lian

Dear Ah Lian,

Thanks you for your letter. Wrong time no see you. How everything? For me, I am quiet find.

You say in your letter your taukeh soh want you to chain your look? Somemore you must wear kick kok soo, hope you can wok properly.

You know, Ah Kau Kia working in a soft where company now. Last week, he take I, Muthu & few of his friend to May Nonut to eat barger. After that he take we all go to kalah ok. Muthu sing and sing no stop until the sky bright.

Next week, my father mother going to sellerbread 20 years annie wear sari. My father mother going to give a fist to all the kampong people. So you must come with your hole family.

I only hope one day we no need to write and send letter to you and to me. Better I e-meow you, you e-meow me. I will ketchup with you soon. And when you got time, please few free to call me. Goo bye.....

Worm regard,
Ah Beng

Long Hair

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

Best Excuse For Speeding

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. ''They'll never catch me,'' he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. ''What in hell am I doing?'' he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. ''I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!'' he said.

''Last week my wife ran off with a cop,'' the man said, ''and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!''

''Have a nice night,'' said the officer.

Principal

One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.

MOM : "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."

SON : "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."

MOM : "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."

SON : "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."

MOM : "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."

SON : "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"

MOM : "One, you are FORTY-FIVE years old and should understand your responsibilities.

Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school...

Guardian Angel on the Job

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, and a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

A Fitting Punishment

Mr. Jones is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family.

Mr. Jones is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to receive 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn't want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled.

Mrs. Jones is first.

"What do you wish for yourself?"

"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings."

"Okay, that shall be granted to you."

Mrs. Jones has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows.

Next it is Mr. Jones' mother-in-law's turn.

"What do you wish for yourself?"

"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings."

"Okay, that shall be granted to you."

The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows.

Then comes Mr. Jones himself.

"What do you wish for yourself?"

"I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?"

"Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable."

"I would like 100 lashes instead of 50."

The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, "Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?"

"I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back."

Singapore Joke: Char Kway Teow

Three friends went to their usual favorite char kway teow stall in the HDB food centre. They were Chia Hong Chu, Goh Pang Sek and Sah Pang Sek.

The char kway teow stall was crowded, and there was a long queue. "Ah Pui! Three plates, hah!" cried Chia Hong Chu.

"Sure, boss! Coming!"

Within the next 2 minutes, the first plate of char kway teow came and was ploked in front of Chia Hong Chu.

"Where two more?" "Wait lah! Coming! See long queue!" Chia Hong Chu tucked in his char kway teow.

Half an hour passed, and the second plate came, ploked in front of Goh Pang Sek.

"Where my?"cried Sah Pang Sek. "Coming lah!" said Ah Pui. Goh Pang Sek tucked in his plate, and another half an hour passed before the 3rd plate came, ploked right in front of Sah Pang Sek.

"Wah! Got to wait so long ah!" said Sah Pang Sek. "Don't make noise, Mr Sah. You get same good char kway teow, best in Singapore!"

When they have finished eating and chatting, Chia Hong Chu called out:"Ah Pui! Collect money, ah!"

Ah Pui came over. "Sah Pang Sek, $3. Goh Pang Sek, $5. Chia Hong Chu,$10."

"Wah! Robbery! I always pay $3. Why $10 now?"

"Ai yah, Chia Hong Chu. You don't read newspapers meae? You don't watch TV meh? This is gahmen food centre, heavily subsidised rent. Last time hah,everyone eat my char kway teow subsidised because cheap rent.Now upgrade. See new clean tables, new chairs, ceiling fans? Cost money,you know. And we have means test now. Ah Chia, you live in chia hong chu,and you pay full, no subsidy. $10. You don't like, don't eat here. You eat in hotel in Orchard Road."

"But I get the same food!" "No. You get 5 more harms , and you get served first, no need to wait.5 harm service 1"

"What about me? Why $5 when I pay $3 last time?" cried Mr Goh. "And I wait half hour!" "Ah Goh. You also kinna means test. You live in goh pang sek, you wait only 30 minutes, I subsidise 50%. And you get 3 more harms -- 3 harm service."

"Why I wait 1 hour and no extra harm? So damned hungry I can die waiting ah! And why no extra harm? Not nice with no extra harm."

"Won't die lah. We give you same good food. No extra harm. No frills. But you wait. Wait and wait. You get your char kway teow, I make sure you don't die. You pay only $3. Heavily subsidised -- 70%. Because, Ah Sah, you live in sah pang sek! You see, we have limited resources. Can only fry so many plates one night. Only so much manpower. So mustration, lah. Everything goes up -- petrol, cooking oil, gas, harm, kwayteow, light, labour... And we give better service -- 5 harm service, likeOrchard Road 5 star service."